War

I used to think my relationship with my parents was more or less fine. I believe it's because I've been an obedient daughter. Except for a few things (like still wanting to go to law school) I yielded to their decisions. My parents know how to manipulate me, and now unless it's a crucial matter I let them manipulate me. It's easier that way. I don't put up a fight.

But things are getting ridiculous. When I was in Canada everything was fine as long as I got home before midnight. I always called ahead to let them know I would get home a bit late and they were fine with it.

They always accused me of being bigoted towards Korea (and I confess that I am) but I'd say they're just as prejudiced since they're being freakishly cautious in this country. I'm not sure if it ever occurred to them that I was born in Korea and spent half my life here. Sure a lot of things have changed. But I am my father's daughter. I'm just as cautious if not more so.

Last night I was with my boyfriend and spent some time with his friends. I got to the place a bit late because I got lost in the bus terminal and had to take a cab in the end. I barely stayed for two hours and I was humiliated that I had to leave at 10pm, which isn't late at all for most people.  I had promised mom to get home by 10 pm but I figured that if I apologized and admitted that I was late everything would be okay.

I was stupid enough to let myself believe that.

When I got home my dad called me over and told me that if I were to continue to behave like this I might as well just get out of the house. He said that he would pretend that he never had a daughter. It was 10:40 pm exactly.
I sat there on the couch, seemingly cowering before my dad but inside I was deeply disturbed and frustrated. I wasn't even mad. I was just disappointed. He said that even though I ask him to have faith in me, my actions convince him to do otherwise. I don't think my dad gains satisfaction out of this situation where he seems to hold power that is not unlike that of the totalitarian regime. If he does, he is truly a sick man.

I'm out of options. I just sent email to dad explaining to him that (basically) I'm not a kid anymore. I don't think it will do much good, but at least I can't do anything worse to further damage his opinion of me. I might as well tell him what I think. I can just picture him sneering and scoffing as he reads my email.

My parents seem to think that all these actions were caused by my having a boyfriend. The truth is that it was only a catalyst to the situation. I've felt this way long before I met my boyfriend. This just gave me the right motivation to speak up my mind.

Because I've been pretty passive-aggressive, whenever I tell my parents frankly what I think of their austere ways they seem to think my thoughts just came out of nowhere and that I'm not thinking straight.

No matter what or how I tell them, my parents will continue to believe at least for a while that I'm just blinded by my feelings. I can't change how they think. Ever since my first year in university I've come to believe that it is futile to convince people to think a certain way or do certain things. If they will, they will, and vice versa.

I told my parents in the email that I love them still. Actually I don't know anymore. I care about them a lot. I respect them. But love? Hmmph. Not right this minute at least.

It would've been great if I fell for someone who went to grad school, has a well-paid and well-respected job, and is as conservative as my parents. But would I have fallen for anyone who's like that? Someone who's a cookie-cutter copy of my parents, or, worse yet, me?

I've dated someone who's just like me. It wasn't great and didn't end well.