I just randomly stumbled upon Imogen Heap's songs. I first heard of Frou Frou because of Shrek 2 (as embarrassing as it may sound) and had forgotten about it. Then my friend recommended Imogen's rendition of "Spooky", and I came to listen to "Let Go" and "Headlock". Mind = Blown.
I have to admit it's not like I like all her songs, but those ones that I do like, I love'em to death. I put them on repeat and listen to them all day. I'm listening to Headlock right now and its melody and lyrics are just occupying every little space in my brain. Absolutely mesmerizing. It's a perfect combination of the soft/fluffy/sweet and grungy/tough. It's also somewhat reminiscent of retro computer game music, with its use of electronic sounds and all.
I'm always thrilled to find new songs in which I can dwell for hours... and days.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Running out of energy
I definitely feel that I'm not as energetic as other people in my age group. I should have no problem partying until 2am and then going to work in the morning. I've had several social occasions this past few weeks and this morning I'm only half awake. My consciousness level isn't in the work mode. If I had a bed beside me I would just dive into it and sleep for another three to four hours. I don't like coffee so I have to endure this drowsiness cold-turkey.
I am a bit perturbed too and this may contribute to my overall tiredness. Issues are quite trivial and I acknowledge their insignificance, but it's hard to let go of them.
My eyes are closing.
I'm already picturing myself in a soft bed. My head on my pillow. Soft duvet pulled all the way to the top of my head. Warm. Warm. Bed.
It's only 10:30 am.
Despite my wishful thinking staring at the clock doesn't make time pass by any faster.
My head is tilted to the right and I'm typing this sentence, disgruntled. Exhausted.
I need to be rejuvenated.
I am a bit perturbed too and this may contribute to my overall tiredness. Issues are quite trivial and I acknowledge their insignificance, but it's hard to let go of them.
My eyes are closing.
I'm already picturing myself in a soft bed. My head on my pillow. Soft duvet pulled all the way to the top of my head. Warm. Warm. Bed.
It's only 10:30 am.
Despite my wishful thinking staring at the clock doesn't make time pass by any faster.
My head is tilted to the right and I'm typing this sentence, disgruntled. Exhausted.
I need to be rejuvenated.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Advice
After a certain point in my life I stopped making promises to myself. If I were to do it, I would. If not, uttering a few words, scribbling on my notebook or blog wouldn't change anything. Hope isn't something I can block out entirely so I leave that be. I just pretend there's nothing there at all. Hope keeps me going but at the same time it makes me wish I never had it in the first place.
Similarly I've stopped trying to convince people to see the way I see things. Maybe I could influence them to think differently in small things -- things don't really matter in the end. But in important decisions what other people say usually don't have much bearing to people who actually have to make those decisions. I don't ask smokers to stop smoking. I merely ask them to consider it. There is virtually no chance they'll quit just because someone tells them to, even if that someone is a person who matters a great deal to them.
Perhaps I think this way because I myself am very hard to convince. My dad tried to get me to study economics. I did try. From the moment I entered UBC I always thought my path was set. Things would've been much easier if I just liked it. But I didn't. I just had to have my own way. I fought and fought and ended up majoring in English literature, something that is appreciated when you have a full stomach but won't give a damn about if you're starving.
Even when my future was extremely unclear and I had to consider degrading myself by working as an overpaid English tutor at an academy that perceives students as commodities, I wrote applications without any passion or desperation. It was only crazy luck that I happened to work for people who wanted to hire me long-term despite the high possibility of losing me after a few years. Most people would've freaked out and reassessed their situation. What made me so bold? So unafraid of what might happen back then? I had a lot to lose. Looking back on it how I acted baffles me. -- not that I would've acted any differently.
Can we really influence people in the end? Or do we just bring out potential? When people follow advice it is because something clicked with their mindset. When making life-changing decisions people don't take advice that seem to fully contradict their belief system. It has to have at least some common ground with what they believe is right. So does advice have any power to begin with? We usually take advice that reaffirms our original thoughts anyway.
I used to thrive on giving advice. At least telling them what I thought. I ask questions now instead. Asking questions lets me see what they really want me to say. Of course, I wouldn't say things just because they want me to. But at least it sheds some light on their plan, and gives me some idea about how to talk to this person. Like I said, I stopped trying to convince people. It's an ultimately pointless endeavour.
Similarly I've stopped trying to convince people to see the way I see things. Maybe I could influence them to think differently in small things -- things don't really matter in the end. But in important decisions what other people say usually don't have much bearing to people who actually have to make those decisions. I don't ask smokers to stop smoking. I merely ask them to consider it. There is virtually no chance they'll quit just because someone tells them to, even if that someone is a person who matters a great deal to them.
Perhaps I think this way because I myself am very hard to convince. My dad tried to get me to study economics. I did try. From the moment I entered UBC I always thought my path was set. Things would've been much easier if I just liked it. But I didn't. I just had to have my own way. I fought and fought and ended up majoring in English literature, something that is appreciated when you have a full stomach but won't give a damn about if you're starving.
Even when my future was extremely unclear and I had to consider degrading myself by working as an overpaid English tutor at an academy that perceives students as commodities, I wrote applications without any passion or desperation. It was only crazy luck that I happened to work for people who wanted to hire me long-term despite the high possibility of losing me after a few years. Most people would've freaked out and reassessed their situation. What made me so bold? So unafraid of what might happen back then? I had a lot to lose. Looking back on it how I acted baffles me. -- not that I would've acted any differently.
Can we really influence people in the end? Or do we just bring out potential? When people follow advice it is because something clicked with their mindset. When making life-changing decisions people don't take advice that seem to fully contradict their belief system. It has to have at least some common ground with what they believe is right. So does advice have any power to begin with? We usually take advice that reaffirms our original thoughts anyway.
I used to thrive on giving advice. At least telling them what I thought. I ask questions now instead. Asking questions lets me see what they really want me to say. Of course, I wouldn't say things just because they want me to. But at least it sheds some light on their plan, and gives me some idea about how to talk to this person. Like I said, I stopped trying to convince people. It's an ultimately pointless endeavour.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Crazy/Beautiful
It's amazing how quickly a person can change under the duress of emotions. Even though the feeling itself is wholly positive the effect torments me.
How is it possible to miss someone in two days? And especially when I know I can meet him everyday if I wanted? How is it that I just like being with him?
Questions like these confuse me.
Even though I have been in relationships before I was in perfect control. I never liked someone too much because I knew it would cloud my judgment. When I felt that his emotions were too powerful I automatically retreated and maintained my distance. The raw power of emotions scared me. It was not the matter of commitment, now that I think of it. I was just scared by something I knew I couldn't control.
Now I'm held captive by the same emotions I'd been trying to run away from. The intensity by which we treat each other is just -- dramatic. That's the only word that befits this situation. Perhaps every couple is like this and I'm just not used to this kind of romantic, eeky stuff. Regardless, I'm happy.
It's amazing that we want each other on the perfectly same level. It's natural for a couple to have an issue in regards to emotional and physical intimacy. I know so because in the past that always held true for me. But I don't have to worry about it with him. The cheesiness we exhibit when we're alone would be considered okay only in Harlequin romance varieties.
I fear that my cynicism is failing me.
How is it possible to miss someone in two days? And especially when I know I can meet him everyday if I wanted? How is it that I just like being with him?
Questions like these confuse me.
Even though I have been in relationships before I was in perfect control. I never liked someone too much because I knew it would cloud my judgment. When I felt that his emotions were too powerful I automatically retreated and maintained my distance. The raw power of emotions scared me. It was not the matter of commitment, now that I think of it. I was just scared by something I knew I couldn't control.
Now I'm held captive by the same emotions I'd been trying to run away from. The intensity by which we treat each other is just -- dramatic. That's the only word that befits this situation. Perhaps every couple is like this and I'm just not used to this kind of romantic, eeky stuff. Regardless, I'm happy.
It's amazing that we want each other on the perfectly same level. It's natural for a couple to have an issue in regards to emotional and physical intimacy. I know so because in the past that always held true for me. But I don't have to worry about it with him. The cheesiness we exhibit when we're alone would be considered okay only in Harlequin romance varieties.
I fear that my cynicism is failing me.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
War
I used to think my relationship with my parents was more or less fine. I believe it's because I've been an obedient daughter. Except for a few things (like still wanting to go to law school) I yielded to their decisions. My parents know how to manipulate me, and now unless it's a crucial matter I let them manipulate me. It's easier that way. I don't put up a fight.
But things are getting ridiculous. When I was in Canada everything was fine as long as I got home before midnight. I always called ahead to let them know I would get home a bit late and they were fine with it.
They always accused me of being bigoted towards Korea (and I confess that I am) but I'd say they're just as prejudiced since they're being freakishly cautious in this country. I'm not sure if it ever occurred to them that I was born in Korea and spent half my life here. Sure a lot of things have changed. But I am my father's daughter. I'm just as cautious if not more so.
Last night I was with my boyfriend and spent some time with his friends. I got to the place a bit late because I got lost in the bus terminal and had to take a cab in the end. I barely stayed for two hours and I was humiliated that I had to leave at 10pm, which isn't late at all for most people. I had promised mom to get home by 10 pm but I figured that if I apologized and admitted that I was late everything would be okay.
I was stupid enough to let myself believe that.
When I got home my dad called me over and told me that if I were to continue to behave like this I might as well just get out of the house. He said that he would pretend that he never had a daughter. It was 10:40 pm exactly.
I sat there on the couch, seemingly cowering before my dad but inside I was deeply disturbed and frustrated. I wasn't even mad. I was just disappointed. He said that even though I ask him to have faith in me, my actions convince him to do otherwise. I don't think my dad gains satisfaction out of this situation where he seems to hold power that is not unlike that of the totalitarian regime. If he does, he is truly a sick man.
I'm out of options. I just sent email to dad explaining to him that (basically) I'm not a kid anymore. I don't think it will do much good, but at least I can't do anything worse to further damage his opinion of me. I might as well tell him what I think. I can just picture him sneering and scoffing as he reads my email.
My parents seem to think that all these actions were caused by my having a boyfriend. The truth is that it was only a catalyst to the situation. I've felt this way long before I met my boyfriend. This just gave me the right motivation to speak up my mind.
Because I've been pretty passive-aggressive, whenever I tell my parents frankly what I think of their austere ways they seem to think my thoughts just came out of nowhere and that I'm not thinking straight.
No matter what or how I tell them, my parents will continue to believe at least for a while that I'm just blinded by my feelings. I can't change how they think. Ever since my first year in university I've come to believe that it is futile to convince people to think a certain way or do certain things. If they will, they will, and vice versa.
I told my parents in the email that I love them still. Actually I don't know anymore. I care about them a lot. I respect them. But love? Hmmph. Not right this minute at least.
It would've been great if I fell for someone who went to grad school, has a well-paid and well-respected job, and is as conservative as my parents. But would I have fallen for anyone who's like that? Someone who's a cookie-cutter copy of my parents, or, worse yet, me?
I've dated someone who's just like me. It wasn't great and didn't end well.
But things are getting ridiculous. When I was in Canada everything was fine as long as I got home before midnight. I always called ahead to let them know I would get home a bit late and they were fine with it.
They always accused me of being bigoted towards Korea (and I confess that I am) but I'd say they're just as prejudiced since they're being freakishly cautious in this country. I'm not sure if it ever occurred to them that I was born in Korea and spent half my life here. Sure a lot of things have changed. But I am my father's daughter. I'm just as cautious if not more so.
Last night I was with my boyfriend and spent some time with his friends. I got to the place a bit late because I got lost in the bus terminal and had to take a cab in the end. I barely stayed for two hours and I was humiliated that I had to leave at 10pm, which isn't late at all for most people. I had promised mom to get home by 10 pm but I figured that if I apologized and admitted that I was late everything would be okay.
I was stupid enough to let myself believe that.
When I got home my dad called me over and told me that if I were to continue to behave like this I might as well just get out of the house. He said that he would pretend that he never had a daughter. It was 10:40 pm exactly.
I sat there on the couch, seemingly cowering before my dad but inside I was deeply disturbed and frustrated. I wasn't even mad. I was just disappointed. He said that even though I ask him to have faith in me, my actions convince him to do otherwise. I don't think my dad gains satisfaction out of this situation where he seems to hold power that is not unlike that of the totalitarian regime. If he does, he is truly a sick man.
I'm out of options. I just sent email to dad explaining to him that (basically) I'm not a kid anymore. I don't think it will do much good, but at least I can't do anything worse to further damage his opinion of me. I might as well tell him what I think. I can just picture him sneering and scoffing as he reads my email.
My parents seem to think that all these actions were caused by my having a boyfriend. The truth is that it was only a catalyst to the situation. I've felt this way long before I met my boyfriend. This just gave me the right motivation to speak up my mind.
Because I've been pretty passive-aggressive, whenever I tell my parents frankly what I think of their austere ways they seem to think my thoughts just came out of nowhere and that I'm not thinking straight.
No matter what or how I tell them, my parents will continue to believe at least for a while that I'm just blinded by my feelings. I can't change how they think. Ever since my first year in university I've come to believe that it is futile to convince people to think a certain way or do certain things. If they will, they will, and vice versa.
I told my parents in the email that I love them still. Actually I don't know anymore. I care about them a lot. I respect them. But love? Hmmph. Not right this minute at least.
It would've been great if I fell for someone who went to grad school, has a well-paid and well-respected job, and is as conservative as my parents. But would I have fallen for anyone who's like that? Someone who's a cookie-cutter copy of my parents, or, worse yet, me?
I've dated someone who's just like me. It wasn't great and didn't end well.
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