In pursuit of happiness

For the longest time I was convinced that the reason I felt so empty all the time was that I wasn't in a relationship. I thought I was focused on materials too much, and count on it for psychological compensations. Now I'm comfortably well off -- I have a job that pays me well, I do what I like, I have a man who loves me.

And yet I can't help but feel very alone. I don't exactly know I feel this way. I should be happy. I really was before. Since last Wednesday I've been feeling down for no apparent reason. Maybe this is how most people feel when they don't have any particular reasons to be happy but I'm perceiving as a sign of distress. I have no idea.

I'm confused. Will I ever find happiness in life? What different would it make to obtain JD, be a partner in a big law firm, possibly get married -- what then? Will I be happy if I have all those things? I'm in living more or less the best scenario possible right now and I'm not content.

I try to focus on the "now" these days because I've experienced it first-hand that not everything goes according to my plan and I should enjoy what I have for now. Live in the moment. If I were truly being faithful to my cause I wouldn't feel this way. I'm always looking ahead for the clouds.

My relationship, for example, is doomed to end when and if I get into law school and move back to Canada. I can never see myself living in Korea and it's pretty much been established that I'll leave when I think I've gained enough experience. I have deep affection for my boyfriend but I can never fully love him because I know it'll be even more difficult later. I'm tormented between surrendering my emotions to him and remaining aloof. I'm not even sure if we'll last that long. It worries me still.

It kills me that I have no one to confide this too in person.