The L word

I guess my readers are bewildered by the fact that I'm suddenly writing a lot about relationships. If I could offer a logical explanation for it --which I can-- it is that with all things constant, a budding relationship that I found in an unlikely environment is the only thing that is new in my life. Everything else has been just as stable and, I dare say, boring.

When I tell people that I have trouble dealing with the L word i.e. Love, they seem to think that I have commitment issues. That's not entirely true. I say "not entirely" because I once broke up with a person because he wanted a committed relationship, but I've never cheated on my partners.

The prospect of commitment is daunting mainly for the fact that I need to trust someone well enough to leave myself vulnerable and exposed. I don't think I can do that to anyone, not even to myself. I've never been wholly satisfied by who I am -- how can I trust another human being to be so? Ironically this doesn't mean I actively engage in fabricating another persona. It's not like I'm trying to make myself look good to others, but at the same time I don't want people to know the real me. Epic high school nostalgia.

I've never been in love. That's a fact. I don't know how I'll feel when and if I ever fall in love. I always related well to Miranda's predicament in the sixth season of SATC when she had trouble saying I love you to Robert. She obviously likes spending time with him but for some strange reason she's unable to say it to him. SATC suggests that Robert, however perfect he may have been, wasn't right for Miranda, and that's why she couldn't confess love for him. Steve was the one. When the time was right Miranda couldn't hold it any longer and had to say it despite the circumstances.

I identify myself with Miranda in a lot of ways (save her education in Harvard and thriving legal career) and something tells me I'll have similar experience. I just hope it happens at the right moment to the right person.

Even though I'm not comfortable saying the L word even now, I think I'm making some progress. I've come to feel safe enough to disclose to him how I miss him and long to be with him. I literally suffer from withdrawal syndromes when I don't see him in person. I didn't expect any of these to happen in this country, at this time of my life.