I feel so foolish. Betrayed.
I had told everyone I know that the people I work with are some of the nicest people I've ever met. They offered to accompany me to lunch. They asked me about Canada, how I'm getting used to Korea... They sounded worried about me, and was careful not to offend me at all times.
They still ARE nice people, but I received news that broke the fantasy I had about my "perfect" work place.
One of my co-workers has been especially nice to me, showing me the ropes and such. It turned out that she ASKED all the other people to ask me to lunch and be all friendly. One of the things that I was most grateful for was that they didn't act clique-y and included me in their social group.
It doesn't really seem like that big a deal now that I've written about it, but when I first heard the news I was dumbfounded. At a loss for words. I don't know why I took it so hard. I guess I wanted to believe that my co-workers are naturally that nice. That I had a dream job where I did what I wanted to do and everyone was nice to me without an ulterior motive.
Everything that seemed a little off before made sense now. That may have been the worst part.
This almost reminded me that time in South Park when Kyle paid Cartman to be nice to his cousin. As far as I know she didn't pay them... but still. I'm grateful for her help, but it would have been nice if the others just had done it on their own accord.
I would've been fine just eating by myself, because after all I'm here to learn how to work. They are very polite and nice when we have to work together, and that's pretty much what I asked for from the first place. What really hurts me is that they acted like I could expect more than just "politeness" -- actual friendship.
It may still develop later on but not right now. Not that easily.
I haven't had to deal with this kind of drama (if it can indeed be called one) since high school. This just shows that no matter how old I am I'm still susceptible to this kind of things. Social stuff. Things that are actually trivial but can be devastating regardless of their real-life significance.
The initial shock is gone now. I'm much more calm and the pain has subsided.
This has been some lesson. Never let your guard down. Never think things can be that easy.
If things look too good to be true, than they probably are.
I'll still smile. I'll still jump through the social games they put before me. But I'm here to work. Period.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Weight Gain 2000
(My fellow South Park'ateers will understand this reference.)
I gained weight. I'm too afraid to actually weigh myself, but I measured my waist line last night and it was pretty shocking. I've noticed that for some of the blouses it's hard for me to button up around the chest, leaving a peep hole by which anyone can see the colour of my bra.
I'm confused. I'm walking a lot, My eating habit hasn't changed, I've been taking the heat formula pills... On top of that I'm drinking a lot of water too. What am I doing wrong?
The only thing that's changed is that I haven't drunk tea in a long while because it's simply been too hot. But can tea have such impact on my weight?
It doesn't hurt to try again, I supposed, so I brought David's Tea's "The Skinny" to work. I'm going to drink at least one cup a day and see if that makes any difference. I should also start working out again during the weekends even if that means I have to wake up early to go to the community gym.
I'm trying my best to maintain my self esteem in this country amidst waves of skinny chicks, and this reality check was a fatal blow.
I accept the fact that I'll never be as skinny as some of the girls here, but as always my goal is to FIT IN MY OLD CLOTHES, not to get really skinny. I like my old clothes -- that's why I spent countless hours packing in Vancouver. It pisses me off that I didn't do something sooner. But better late than never, no?
But ugh. Seriously. This ain't good.
I gained weight. I'm too afraid to actually weigh myself, but I measured my waist line last night and it was pretty shocking. I've noticed that for some of the blouses it's hard for me to button up around the chest, leaving a peep hole by which anyone can see the colour of my bra.
I'm confused. I'm walking a lot, My eating habit hasn't changed, I've been taking the heat formula pills... On top of that I'm drinking a lot of water too. What am I doing wrong?
The only thing that's changed is that I haven't drunk tea in a long while because it's simply been too hot. But can tea have such impact on my weight?
It doesn't hurt to try again, I supposed, so I brought David's Tea's "The Skinny" to work. I'm going to drink at least one cup a day and see if that makes any difference. I should also start working out again during the weekends even if that means I have to wake up early to go to the community gym.
I'm trying my best to maintain my self esteem in this country amidst waves of skinny chicks, and this reality check was a fatal blow.
I accept the fact that I'll never be as skinny as some of the girls here, but as always my goal is to FIT IN MY OLD CLOTHES, not to get really skinny. I like my old clothes -- that's why I spent countless hours packing in Vancouver. It pisses me off that I didn't do something sooner. But better late than never, no?
But ugh. Seriously. This ain't good.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
So it begins
Last night mom and I were talking how some of Korean institutions translate their names so ridiculously in English. For instance Keukdong (극동) University should have left its name alone rather than literally translating its name into Far East because a name is....
A name is what?
The word I was looking for was goyou-myeongsa (고유명사), which is a noun that is particular to something and therefore should not be translated. It's the same reason we call CERN (Conseil Européenne pour la Recherche Nucléaire) as it is rather than its English equivalent.
I felt so ashamed that I couldn't remember what the word was in English even after teaching grammar for a couple of years. My mom couldn't recall either, and she had taught English for so much longer. I later looked it up in the dictionary and eventually found that what I was looking for was a PROPER NOUN, but I still remember the shock and disbelief that hit me. The deterioration has begun.
I always think of skyping my friends but I never get the time. I'm always so tired after work and in the weekend I pretty much spend both days sleeping. This blog is the only thing that's keeping my written English proficiency to a certain level. Sigh.
A name is what?
The word I was looking for was goyou-myeongsa (고유명사), which is a noun that is particular to something and therefore should not be translated. It's the same reason we call CERN (Conseil Européenne pour la Recherche Nucléaire) as it is rather than its English equivalent.
I felt so ashamed that I couldn't remember what the word was in English even after teaching grammar for a couple of years. My mom couldn't recall either, and she had taught English for so much longer. I later looked it up in the dictionary and eventually found that what I was looking for was a PROPER NOUN, but I still remember the shock and disbelief that hit me. The deterioration has begun.
I always think of skyping my friends but I never get the time. I'm always so tired after work and in the weekend I pretty much spend both days sleeping. This blog is the only thing that's keeping my written English proficiency to a certain level. Sigh.
23km/hr and then some
Not sure from which this saying originates, but I heard that a person's time goes as fast as her age. If you're five, time passes at the rate of 5km per hour and you feel that the day never ends. When you're in your fifties, it will be at 50+km/hr, and you don't know where time has gone.
I say this is a legitimate theory. Except in lecture halls, where space and time continuum takes a different form, yet to be understood by the scientific community.
Today I was late for work -- but not exactly for my own fault. Two trucks got into a pretty bad accident (though no one got hurt) and both of them got turned over. They had to close down one of the lanes in the high way, and my bus arrived about 30 min. late. I think my boss understood because she told me to "just focus on getting to work safely" but still I felt so embarrassed. This is the third time that I was late without a legit excuse. Maybe they don't really care because I'm only an intern. It matters to me though. (Funny how things change when you're working...)
Oh, and I ordered a new keyboard yesterday and it arrived today. Isn't Seoul amazing.
The keyboard that I previously used had a faulty shift key and it got very annoying. I didn't really like how I was constantly typing on a keyboard that god-knows-who used. (I REFUSE to get sick nowadays and have become somewhat germaphobic.) I guess I'll pluck this into the netbook or something after I'm done using it at the office.
Other stuff that I ordered online is supposed to arrive some time today or tomorrow. I had the keyboard delivered to the office and it was quite convenient. I'm considering doing that from now on for all other parcels, but I fear that the mail room guy will catch on with my shoppaholic symptoms.
I say this is a legitimate theory. Except in lecture halls, where space and time continuum takes a different form, yet to be understood by the scientific community.
Today I was late for work -- but not exactly for my own fault. Two trucks got into a pretty bad accident (though no one got hurt) and both of them got turned over. They had to close down one of the lanes in the high way, and my bus arrived about 30 min. late. I think my boss understood because she told me to "just focus on getting to work safely" but still I felt so embarrassed. This is the third time that I was late without a legit excuse. Maybe they don't really care because I'm only an intern. It matters to me though. (Funny how things change when you're working...)
Oh, and I ordered a new keyboard yesterday and it arrived today. Isn't Seoul amazing.
The keyboard that I previously used had a faulty shift key and it got very annoying. I didn't really like how I was constantly typing on a keyboard that god-knows-who used. (I REFUSE to get sick nowadays and have become somewhat germaphobic.) I guess I'll pluck this into the netbook or something after I'm done using it at the office.
Other stuff that I ordered online is supposed to arrive some time today or tomorrow. I had the keyboard delivered to the office and it was quite convenient. I'm considering doing that from now on for all other parcels, but I fear that the mail room guy will catch on with my shoppaholic symptoms.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Internet Newspaperes in Korea
One of the reasons why I dreaded coming to Seoul was all the crimes I had read in online newspapers. It seemed that more than just "often" people got mugged, beaten, raped, abducted, and so on. How does anyone live in this godforsaken country? was my initial reaction. To me South Korea was Somalia of East Asia, cleverly disguised in the glamour of prospering IT industry and the forest of skyscrapers. Since I'm a suspicious wuss that would take extra caution with everything the fear seemed legit enough.
The scary thing is that all this is true to some degree. Even though Seoul has become safer than before and as long as you know where you are going you should be fine, from time to time reports of heinous crimes are plastered all over the news.
I remember this one time when a group of middle school boys raped a teenaged girl and, when she passed out from pain, they set the house on fire, leaving the girl to perish. The incident was shocking as it is even without hearing that the perps were young boys. But it happened. Many were reported to be remorseless and refused to apologize to the victim's family.
People who target the helpful kind are also prevalent. Vancouver (or was it Toronto?) has seen something of this sort as well; a woman pretended she was in trouble on the road with her car and when passers by came to help, she and her accomplice held them at a gun-point and robbed them.
In Seoul I read that it's common for criminals to employ children who would in turn ask strangers to help them find their parents. When the stranger comes to an isolated location, s/he would be abducted, never to be seen again (or so I've heard...) I speculate that women are sold into prostitution and men are forced to work at factories or illegal dealings. Or something even worse.
Ever seen David Fincher's Se7en? Morgan Freeman's character says that we live in a society where apathy is a virtue. It is better to turn a blind eye to atrocities than to stand up to injustice. I believe this to be true. I am always caught between the need to be comfortable and that to be just. Be it in Korea or Canada, it takes real courage to be a person of principles.
I got a little sidetracked here, but what I really wanted to say is that people still manage to live on in this country. The Korean media capitalize on tragedies (as do those of other countries) and when you just read the newspapers you wonder how people come out of their homes every day without the fear of being kidnapped or tortured.
They do regardless, apparently. A proper mixture of suspicion, apathy, and caution is a concoction compulsory for everyone. Kindness and generosity must be practiced under utmost care, and one must always be ready to face the consequences of being... NICE.
The scary thing is that all this is true to some degree. Even though Seoul has become safer than before and as long as you know where you are going you should be fine, from time to time reports of heinous crimes are plastered all over the news.
I remember this one time when a group of middle school boys raped a teenaged girl and, when she passed out from pain, they set the house on fire, leaving the girl to perish. The incident was shocking as it is even without hearing that the perps were young boys. But it happened. Many were reported to be remorseless and refused to apologize to the victim's family.
People who target the helpful kind are also prevalent. Vancouver (or was it Toronto?) has seen something of this sort as well; a woman pretended she was in trouble on the road with her car and when passers by came to help, she and her accomplice held them at a gun-point and robbed them.
In Seoul I read that it's common for criminals to employ children who would in turn ask strangers to help them find their parents. When the stranger comes to an isolated location, s/he would be abducted, never to be seen again (or so I've heard...) I speculate that women are sold into prostitution and men are forced to work at factories or illegal dealings. Or something even worse.
Ever seen David Fincher's Se7en? Morgan Freeman's character says that we live in a society where apathy is a virtue. It is better to turn a blind eye to atrocities than to stand up to injustice. I believe this to be true. I am always caught between the need to be comfortable and that to be just. Be it in Korea or Canada, it takes real courage to be a person of principles.
I got a little sidetracked here, but what I really wanted to say is that people still manage to live on in this country. The Korean media capitalize on tragedies (as do those of other countries) and when you just read the newspapers you wonder how people come out of their homes every day without the fear of being kidnapped or tortured.
They do regardless, apparently. A proper mixture of suspicion, apathy, and caution is a concoction compulsory for everyone. Kindness and generosity must be practiced under utmost care, and one must always be ready to face the consequences of being... NICE.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
"Myung-poom Complex"
Koreans really like Myung-poom. Myung-poom (명품) is 名品 in Chinese, and it literally means an item that deserves recognition, or an item that demonstrates craftsmanship. It can be applied to anything that fits this definition but usually it refers to designer goods. LV, Hermes, Gucci...
Koreans, men and women alike (though the tendency is more prevalent among women), are crazy about designer bags. Even replicas cost at least 200 dollars if you want to get something that looks pretty authentic. It doesn't matter how much you make in a year; there are so many ways you can get things you can't afford. At one point Koreans had four credit cards on average and nowadays it is very difficult to gain approval for your credit card application (unless you know someone in the banking industry, that is).
I am no exception from liking designer handbags, I'm afraid. I always felt guilty whenever I longed for a Marc Jacobs or Dior bag. Am I that shallow? I wondered.
I'm probably that shallow.
(Un)Fortunately my fetish is largely directed towards shoes, and most of the times designer heels are less expensive than purses.
Naver had an expose' on this Myung-poom addiction and one article listed reasons why people buy ridiculously expensive bags. (And we're talking $2000+ bags, perhaps even $10000.) The writer argued that there are four motivations: the need to feel superior to others, to defend one's reputation, desire to mirror one's ideal self, and desire to conform.
It is a very convincing argument, except I don't really think any of this really applies to me. And I'm not saying my reason for designer handbags is any more justified than those listed above. It is completely pointless in the grand scheme of things, and there is no reason why anyone should spend so much money on what is essentially, let's face it, a piece of leather stitched together.
I just like them because they're beautiful.
I have a strange habit of disliking what everyone else has. That's why I would never purchase an iPhone or an LV bag/wallet. This is somewhat unreasonable especially if there's a good reason why everyone wants it.
Regardless, in the case of designer goods, I don't want to pay $500 for something that every bitch in the city has hanging from their arms. If I'm paying that much, I expect it to be unique.
It's not jealousy either. Whenever I see my friend buying designer handbags without putting too much thought into it, I judge her completely. I'm sure my own friends judge me for my spending atrocities, but hey, it's a free-for-all. I judge, you judge, everyone judges.
Would it be the need to feel superior, or to feel confident before others? Presentation is a quintessential part of being a social animal, no doubt.
But I always think of that one time I went out holding my mom's fake Dior bag. It was a well-made replica, perfect down to the last detail. But it had flashy monograms written all over it and there was a big D hanging from the clasp.
I've never felt more self-conscious.
The general atmosphere of Vancouver is to look down upon people who try to show off what they have. It's the complete opposite in Seoul, but that doesn't mean I feel any better. The reason I feel somewhat confident in this city is that I speak English and Korean fluently, and that I relished the opportunity to learn various subjects that Korean university students don't get to take. Does it matter whether I have a Gucci adorning my arm? Does it bestow some kind of secret knowledge upon me?
My parents always taught me to enjoy what I have but never exceed my limit. They told me there is no need to be too frugal, but to be wasteful is even worse.
To me, bags aren't that different from one another as long as they are sturdy and pretty. The pleasure that a fifty-dollar-bag can bring me is pretty much equal to that brought by a Gucci bag, except I would be able to use the former a lot more often and without having to worry about the weather all the time. (Rain + designer bags = disaster)
Come to think of it I may be even worse than others. I'm the most shallow.
I buy things because they're pretty.
Koreans, men and women alike (though the tendency is more prevalent among women), are crazy about designer bags. Even replicas cost at least 200 dollars if you want to get something that looks pretty authentic. It doesn't matter how much you make in a year; there are so many ways you can get things you can't afford. At one point Koreans had four credit cards on average and nowadays it is very difficult to gain approval for your credit card application (unless you know someone in the banking industry, that is).
I am no exception from liking designer handbags, I'm afraid. I always felt guilty whenever I longed for a Marc Jacobs or Dior bag. Am I that shallow? I wondered.
I'm probably that shallow.
(Un)Fortunately my fetish is largely directed towards shoes, and most of the times designer heels are less expensive than purses.
Naver had an expose' on this Myung-poom addiction and one article listed reasons why people buy ridiculously expensive bags. (And we're talking $2000+ bags, perhaps even $10000.) The writer argued that there are four motivations: the need to feel superior to others, to defend one's reputation, desire to mirror one's ideal self, and desire to conform.
It is a very convincing argument, except I don't really think any of this really applies to me. And I'm not saying my reason for designer handbags is any more justified than those listed above. It is completely pointless in the grand scheme of things, and there is no reason why anyone should spend so much money on what is essentially, let's face it, a piece of leather stitched together.
I just like them because they're beautiful.
I have a strange habit of disliking what everyone else has. That's why I would never purchase an iPhone or an LV bag/wallet. This is somewhat unreasonable especially if there's a good reason why everyone wants it.
Regardless, in the case of designer goods, I don't want to pay $500 for something that every bitch in the city has hanging from their arms. If I'm paying that much, I expect it to be unique.
It's not jealousy either. Whenever I see my friend buying designer handbags without putting too much thought into it, I judge her completely. I'm sure my own friends judge me for my spending atrocities, but hey, it's a free-for-all. I judge, you judge, everyone judges.
Would it be the need to feel superior, or to feel confident before others? Presentation is a quintessential part of being a social animal, no doubt.
But I always think of that one time I went out holding my mom's fake Dior bag. It was a well-made replica, perfect down to the last detail. But it had flashy monograms written all over it and there was a big D hanging from the clasp.
I've never felt more self-conscious.
The general atmosphere of Vancouver is to look down upon people who try to show off what they have. It's the complete opposite in Seoul, but that doesn't mean I feel any better. The reason I feel somewhat confident in this city is that I speak English and Korean fluently, and that I relished the opportunity to learn various subjects that Korean university students don't get to take. Does it matter whether I have a Gucci adorning my arm? Does it bestow some kind of secret knowledge upon me?
My parents always taught me to enjoy what I have but never exceed my limit. They told me there is no need to be too frugal, but to be wasteful is even worse.
To me, bags aren't that different from one another as long as they are sturdy and pretty. The pleasure that a fifty-dollar-bag can bring me is pretty much equal to that brought by a Gucci bag, except I would be able to use the former a lot more often and without having to worry about the weather all the time. (Rain + designer bags = disaster)
Come to think of it I may be even worse than others. I'm the most shallow.
I buy things because they're pretty.
Commuting in Seoul
I realized that I haven't really talked about how commuting works in Seoul. I don't really know what's the most preferred means of transportation in Vancouver is, but I always rode the bus and skytrain, so I'll just comfortably assume that most people use transit also.
It's quite similar in Seoul except it's more likely that you'll be late for work if you DRIVE. It's difficult to imagine this in Vancouver, I believe, because buses don't have their own lane and if individual cars are going to be late, buses will be as well.
In the metropolitan Seoul (I use this term broadly to include certain parts of Kyungki-do, a province that surrounds Seoul), most roads have bus-only lanes. Public transit commuters, therefore, have a comparative edge in this regard when traffic is completely jammed. Granted, most bus-only lanes merge into regular ones and sometimes buses can get stuck in traffic, but once they get out of that area they can outrun most cars.
Today was the first day I got up late.
I set my alarm for 6:15 am, I snooze for a couple of times and finally I get up around 6:30, latest. Today I managed to sleep through it and when my dad came by to check on me it was 7. I have to be at the bus station around 7:45 latest and it takes me an hour to get ready.
I would sooner die than not take a shower and go to work sans makeup, so I begged (and I mean, BEGGED) my dad to give a ride to at least Gangnam Station where I would take No.2 line to Samsung Stn. Much to my relief he assented without much resistance or lecturing.
When we left the apartment it was 7:45 and I was quite sure that we would get there before 8:30.
[INSERT "but I was wrong" phrase]
I swear I was having a series of mini heart attacks after we passed the 8:30-mark. I was panicking like crazy and felt utterly helpless in the sea of cars. Many of them chose to go through bus-only lanes even though they would be fined later. I couldn't blame them, though. I felt desperate enough.
My dad ended up driving me right up to my building and thankfully I got there about 2 minutes before 9.
My friends know well of my tardiness, and even though I try to be very punctual these days, it seems that I slip from time to time. I've been late twice already and I really don't want to tarnish the good reputation I've built here.
So there. TAKE THE FRIGGIN' BUS when you work in Seoul. Or live close to metro stations. Don't drive unless you're willing to get up really really early.
It's quite similar in Seoul except it's more likely that you'll be late for work if you DRIVE. It's difficult to imagine this in Vancouver, I believe, because buses don't have their own lane and if individual cars are going to be late, buses will be as well.
In the metropolitan Seoul (I use this term broadly to include certain parts of Kyungki-do, a province that surrounds Seoul), most roads have bus-only lanes. Public transit commuters, therefore, have a comparative edge in this regard when traffic is completely jammed. Granted, most bus-only lanes merge into regular ones and sometimes buses can get stuck in traffic, but once they get out of that area they can outrun most cars.
Today was the first day I got up late.
I set my alarm for 6:15 am, I snooze for a couple of times and finally I get up around 6:30, latest. Today I managed to sleep through it and when my dad came by to check on me it was 7. I have to be at the bus station around 7:45 latest and it takes me an hour to get ready.
I would sooner die than not take a shower and go to work sans makeup, so I begged (and I mean, BEGGED) my dad to give a ride to at least Gangnam Station where I would take No.2 line to Samsung Stn. Much to my relief he assented without much resistance or lecturing.
When we left the apartment it was 7:45 and I was quite sure that we would get there before 8:30.
[INSERT "but I was wrong" phrase]
I swear I was having a series of mini heart attacks after we passed the 8:30-mark. I was panicking like crazy and felt utterly helpless in the sea of cars. Many of them chose to go through bus-only lanes even though they would be fined later. I couldn't blame them, though. I felt desperate enough.
My dad ended up driving me right up to my building and thankfully I got there about 2 minutes before 9.
My friends know well of my tardiness, and even though I try to be very punctual these days, it seems that I slip from time to time. I've been late twice already and I really don't want to tarnish the good reputation I've built here.
So there. TAKE THE FRIGGIN' BUS when you work in Seoul. Or live close to metro stations. Don't drive unless you're willing to get up really really early.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
New Day
I woke up feeling significantly better today. If there's any difference between the high school me and me right now, it's that I no longer enjoy mopping around in self-pity/-hate. I still don't know what troubled me so much. Everything, I guess.
But today I feel like myself.
Now that's out of the way, I'll talk about what happened on the bus today. The bus stop that's closest to my apartment is located quite close to the terminus station, and I can always manage to sit down no matter how packed it will be later on. The worst that can happen is that I won't have the window side, but the seats are quite spacious so I don't mind sitting in the aisle seat.
Most of the time.
Since I'm a single girl in her twenties (just starting out in the "real world") I'm in the most vulnerable position in the social caste. I can never expect to have a seat in the subway without feeling guilty, and even if I do have it for a moment I'll have to give it to those who are older than me. Invariably. The bus is a slightly different situation because if I choose to stand, I will be in the fixed position for 40 minutes, or maybe longer depending on the traffic. And there are ample empty seats when I board the bus, so standing is really a stupid idea. I'm still not used to getting up at 6:30 in the morning and don't exactly feel refreshed waking up, so I just put my self-consciousness on hold until I get to the subway.
Today I had to take an aisle seat as usual. A few stops later a woman (perhaps around my age or a bit older) boarded with a rather big purse. I usually shift the bag from my shoulder to hand when I stand in a packed bus so I can keep a closer eye on my belongings. She didn't however, for whatever reasons, and as she was hanging on to one of those rings on the metal pole, the bag proceeded to annoy me. (I said it "hit" me on my FB status but I exaggerate slightly...)
The woman must have noticed because she saw me reacting with slight annoyance, but she didn't do anything. Maybe she thought it served me right, sitting in the bus despite the fact that I'm YOUNG and therefore have the ENERGY to stand for a long period of time. (Those who know me will laugh at this speculation, I know.)
This went on for a while, and I had thought of offering her to hold her bag since she boarded, expecting something like this to happen, but some time had gone by and I thought it would be weird to offer NOW.
Somewhere between my home and Gangnam I finally made the move. I looked to her and ASKED if I could hold her bag for her. (Sometimes my latent servility surprises even myself.) She politely refused a few times but when I insisted, she accepted my offer. I think I held it for about twenty minutes -- not that long.
From her expression I could tell she wasn't that impressed that I made such an offer, or even annoyed that I waited that long until I said something. Or maybe she's just not good at showing what she truly feels. I have no idea.
I just hope I showed her that people can be kind instead of being irritable. I confess I WANTED to snap at her. But that would not be productive. Both she and I would start the day all pissed off, and the best of that situation would have been me getting her to move her bag. But by holding her bag, I got it out of my face, the woman went to work a bit more comfortably, and hopefully with some faith restored in humanity.
But today I feel like myself.
Now that's out of the way, I'll talk about what happened on the bus today. The bus stop that's closest to my apartment is located quite close to the terminus station, and I can always manage to sit down no matter how packed it will be later on. The worst that can happen is that I won't have the window side, but the seats are quite spacious so I don't mind sitting in the aisle seat.
Most of the time.
Since I'm a single girl in her twenties (just starting out in the "real world") I'm in the most vulnerable position in the social caste. I can never expect to have a seat in the subway without feeling guilty, and even if I do have it for a moment I'll have to give it to those who are older than me. Invariably. The bus is a slightly different situation because if I choose to stand, I will be in the fixed position for 40 minutes, or maybe longer depending on the traffic. And there are ample empty seats when I board the bus, so standing is really a stupid idea. I'm still not used to getting up at 6:30 in the morning and don't exactly feel refreshed waking up, so I just put my self-consciousness on hold until I get to the subway.
Today I had to take an aisle seat as usual. A few stops later a woman (perhaps around my age or a bit older) boarded with a rather big purse. I usually shift the bag from my shoulder to hand when I stand in a packed bus so I can keep a closer eye on my belongings. She didn't however, for whatever reasons, and as she was hanging on to one of those rings on the metal pole, the bag proceeded to annoy me. (I said it "hit" me on my FB status but I exaggerate slightly...)
The woman must have noticed because she saw me reacting with slight annoyance, but she didn't do anything. Maybe she thought it served me right, sitting in the bus despite the fact that I'm YOUNG and therefore have the ENERGY to stand for a long period of time. (Those who know me will laugh at this speculation, I know.)
This went on for a while, and I had thought of offering her to hold her bag since she boarded, expecting something like this to happen, but some time had gone by and I thought it would be weird to offer NOW.
Somewhere between my home and Gangnam I finally made the move. I looked to her and ASKED if I could hold her bag for her. (Sometimes my latent servility surprises even myself.) She politely refused a few times but when I insisted, she accepted my offer. I think I held it for about twenty minutes -- not that long.
From her expression I could tell she wasn't that impressed that I made such an offer, or even annoyed that I waited that long until I said something. Or maybe she's just not good at showing what she truly feels. I have no idea.
I just hope I showed her that people can be kind instead of being irritable. I confess I WANTED to snap at her. But that would not be productive. Both she and I would start the day all pissed off, and the best of that situation would have been me getting her to move her bag. But by holding her bag, I got it out of my face, the woman went to work a bit more comfortably, and hopefully with some faith restored in humanity.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Auto-pilot
Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly present in the moment. More than ever I feel myself drifting in and out in the middle of my daily routine. Executing mundane tasks on auto-pilot is nothing new, but these days the frequency of being on AP is increasing rapidly. This just shows that I still cannot fully embrace the fact that I'm in Korea.
So what do I do exactly while on AP, you might ask? I catch myself walking down the corridor at work, and think, "oh that's right. I'm at work." Another instance would be when I'm typing and eating. It's like my brain, or rather, my consciousness, is a flickering fluorescent light that needs to be replaced. I'm just being pushed by the current. I don't drive myself.
I don't think I'm unhappy. I have great co-workers, I enjoy what I do (little as they may be), and I can live without having to worry about money. I'm not sure what makes me feel this way. Is this the upper middle-class crisis?
If I have something to complain, it is that I don't exactly have anyone to whom I can confide things. I don't think anyone really understands me. I always have to filter and censor things in my head before I say them because I'm afraid that I might offend someone or say inappropriate things. I had never had to do this when I was in Canada. Take my co-workers, for example. I'm particularly close to one of them, mainly because she used to be the rookie in the team and she's a US citizen, but this doesn't mean I can talk to her freely and without affectation. She's my co-worker and there is a boundary to be respected.
Things are not exactly better with my aunts, cousins, and friends. With my aunts, I don't have to censor anything, but they come from a different generation and cultural upbringing. They do their best to understand me and listen to my bitching but their effort can only go so far. While I'm grateful that they try, I cannot say that it relieves me of stress and frustration.
In case of my friends -- well, they are Korean. They can't exactly understand what I'm so upset about. Every little thing that bugs me -from sexism to a blatant in-your-face attitude- it is just trivial to them.
This is why I let my consciousness drift out, I suppose. I don't want to be fully present here, in this country, where my mouth should be kept shut and my thoughts, filtered. Every word is a carefully constructed device of politics and diplomacy. I'm sick of it.
So what do I do exactly while on AP, you might ask? I catch myself walking down the corridor at work, and think, "oh that's right. I'm at work." Another instance would be when I'm typing and eating. It's like my brain, or rather, my consciousness, is a flickering fluorescent light that needs to be replaced. I'm just being pushed by the current. I don't drive myself.
I don't think I'm unhappy. I have great co-workers, I enjoy what I do (little as they may be), and I can live without having to worry about money. I'm not sure what makes me feel this way. Is this the upper middle-class crisis?
If I have something to complain, it is that I don't exactly have anyone to whom I can confide things. I don't think anyone really understands me. I always have to filter and censor things in my head before I say them because I'm afraid that I might offend someone or say inappropriate things. I had never had to do this when I was in Canada. Take my co-workers, for example. I'm particularly close to one of them, mainly because she used to be the rookie in the team and she's a US citizen, but this doesn't mean I can talk to her freely and without affectation. She's my co-worker and there is a boundary to be respected.
Things are not exactly better with my aunts, cousins, and friends. With my aunts, I don't have to censor anything, but they come from a different generation and cultural upbringing. They do their best to understand me and listen to my bitching but their effort can only go so far. While I'm grateful that they try, I cannot say that it relieves me of stress and frustration.
In case of my friends -- well, they are Korean. They can't exactly understand what I'm so upset about. Every little thing that bugs me -from sexism to a blatant in-your-face attitude- it is just trivial to them.
This is why I let my consciousness drift out, I suppose. I don't want to be fully present here, in this country, where my mouth should be kept shut and my thoughts, filtered. Every word is a carefully constructed device of politics and diplomacy. I'm sick of it.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
If he endorses it then it must be good
One of the things about Korea that fascinates me is its recognition of movie/TV celebrities as public figures. The notion is almost preposterous in the North American context. Sure Angelina Jolie adopts a whole bunch of orphans from developing countries but people would never think that Jolie has to behave in certain way and lead a moral life. Perhaps people even enjoy the fact that her inclination towards humanitarian causes directly contradicts her usual personae on the silver screen: belligerent, hyper-sexual heroines.
This led me to think about commercial endorsement deals that Korean celebrities get. In Europe and North America, we have actors who almost exclusively work for commercials. Seeing Hollywood stars in those things is an unusual phenomenon. When I saw Robert De Niro in an Amex commercial the first thing that hit me was how ineffective and cheesy it was. I have to get an Amex because I like De Niro?
Funnily enough this idea works well in South Korea. This is also why celebrities kill to get a commercial deal and "behave." Singers and actors are expected to act like respectable role models to younger generations and avoid scandals. If they are not marrying each other, they choose people who come from good families and have respected professions. Someone like Madonna will fail miserably to sustain her career in Korea. People may love her music, but will chastise her for messy private life.
It is indeed a very interesting aspect of the Korean society. Maybe I can dare to extend this argument to China as well, considering how Edison Chan publicly issued an apology for his sex scandal.
Traditionally people who work in the field of theatrics are not well thought of in Korea. So why bother treating them like public figures? Why impose a certain set of moral values on them?
I have yet to find a definite cause, but I have a theory. Korean youths grow up watching TV pretty much all the time. Or else, they will be glued to computers. Korean society may have the highest rate of computer literacy in the world (I don't know for sure but I would assume so) but this isn't necessarily a good thing. As per the overall trend across the globe, good parenting is replaced by lackluster electronic baby-sitting. When they should be reading books and newspapers, kids grow up watching a Korean equivalent of MTV. They all aspire to become members of boy/girl-bands. They harbour a sense of rebellion against grownups, dismissing all other professions as something that infringes upon their alleged artistic freedom. (Little do they know that they have little to no sense to distinguish what is truly worth having....) People who should, at best, inspire determination end up becoming their idols. They are to be modeled after.
Of course this is a pitifully shallow description of what I really think, or for that matter what is really going on. I can but offer a caricature of a theory. It is rather pathetic that many Korean kids grow up fantasizing the life of those so-called "idol singers" and place their trust in everything they say, do, and endorse. If one is to be a pawn in the grand scheme of things, why not choose a master that is really worth having?
This led me to think about commercial endorsement deals that Korean celebrities get. In Europe and North America, we have actors who almost exclusively work for commercials. Seeing Hollywood stars in those things is an unusual phenomenon. When I saw Robert De Niro in an Amex commercial the first thing that hit me was how ineffective and cheesy it was. I have to get an Amex because I like De Niro?
Funnily enough this idea works well in South Korea. This is also why celebrities kill to get a commercial deal and "behave." Singers and actors are expected to act like respectable role models to younger generations and avoid scandals. If they are not marrying each other, they choose people who come from good families and have respected professions. Someone like Madonna will fail miserably to sustain her career in Korea. People may love her music, but will chastise her for messy private life.
It is indeed a very interesting aspect of the Korean society. Maybe I can dare to extend this argument to China as well, considering how Edison Chan publicly issued an apology for his sex scandal.
Traditionally people who work in the field of theatrics are not well thought of in Korea. So why bother treating them like public figures? Why impose a certain set of moral values on them?
I have yet to find a definite cause, but I have a theory. Korean youths grow up watching TV pretty much all the time. Or else, they will be glued to computers. Korean society may have the highest rate of computer literacy in the world (I don't know for sure but I would assume so) but this isn't necessarily a good thing. As per the overall trend across the globe, good parenting is replaced by lackluster electronic baby-sitting. When they should be reading books and newspapers, kids grow up watching a Korean equivalent of MTV. They all aspire to become members of boy/girl-bands. They harbour a sense of rebellion against grownups, dismissing all other professions as something that infringes upon their alleged artistic freedom. (Little do they know that they have little to no sense to distinguish what is truly worth having....) People who should, at best, inspire determination end up becoming their idols. They are to be modeled after.
Of course this is a pitifully shallow description of what I really think, or for that matter what is really going on. I can but offer a caricature of a theory. It is rather pathetic that many Korean kids grow up fantasizing the life of those so-called "idol singers" and place their trust in everything they say, do, and endorse. If one is to be a pawn in the grand scheme of things, why not choose a master that is really worth having?
Friday, September 2, 2011
Work commences!
This week I finally began to work. I'd been looking forward to this ever since my position was confirmed. I will not disclose the company's name, but I will say that I'm working with a team that deals with a variety of corporate matters.
Yesterday was my very first day. I was surprisingly calm, maybe because I had visited them and introduced myself the week before. Sure I was nervous but I think the first time I took LSAT was worse. I took a bus from a nearby stop (about 10 min. walk from my apartment) to Gangnam Station which is roughly a Korean equivalent of Wall Street, along with Samsung Stn. The ride was about 40/50 min. long, and there I transferred to the subway. It took about an hour in total -- which isn't bad at all considering the overall traffic nightmare. It was a good thing that I had practiced coming to Gangnam on my own numerous times; otherwise I would have been a complete wreck.
(*Gangnam means "South of the (Han) River in Korean, and is one of the biggest financial and shopping centres of Seoul.)
My team was organizing a seminar and I was told that I would help one of the team leaders. Unfortunately I couldn't be of assistance in more intelligent matters, but I ran some simple errands and *gasp* manual labour. It was fine though; I would have screwed up anything else. My team was very nice and understanding of my inexperience and offered me a lot of advice and pointers.
Today lacked yesterday's burst of excitement because there wasn't any event going on. Instead I helped with the documentation and filing of responses/survey results to yesterday's seminar as well as attendance check-ins. It took me about two hours to finish all that and ever since I haven't had much to do.
I expected to be worked to death and so far I feel like I'm just hanging out in the office. There are occasional tasks but nothing major. I guess more will come eventually later on. I never thought I'd be impatient with getting more work! It's funny though that I should feel exhausted by the end of the day. Last night I went to sleep around 10. Me, going to bed at 10pm! Astounding, isn't it? I used to be such a night owl.
I think I would've enjoyed today even better had I not had GRE tomorrow. It's quite pointless, the whole thing. I don't even care to attend grad school. All this for the sake of having a good job... where GRE skills would not even be applicable.
So far I'm very content with how my work. It is way too early to tell whether this contentment will extend into the future, but for now I've decided to enjoy it. I'm relieved and glad; I haven't felt this in a long, long while.
Yesterday was my very first day. I was surprisingly calm, maybe because I had visited them and introduced myself the week before. Sure I was nervous but I think the first time I took LSAT was worse. I took a bus from a nearby stop (about 10 min. walk from my apartment) to Gangnam Station which is roughly a Korean equivalent of Wall Street, along with Samsung Stn. The ride was about 40/50 min. long, and there I transferred to the subway. It took about an hour in total -- which isn't bad at all considering the overall traffic nightmare. It was a good thing that I had practiced coming to Gangnam on my own numerous times; otherwise I would have been a complete wreck.
(*Gangnam means "South of the (Han) River in Korean, and is one of the biggest financial and shopping centres of Seoul.)
My team was organizing a seminar and I was told that I would help one of the team leaders. Unfortunately I couldn't be of assistance in more intelligent matters, but I ran some simple errands and *gasp* manual labour. It was fine though; I would have screwed up anything else. My team was very nice and understanding of my inexperience and offered me a lot of advice and pointers.
Today lacked yesterday's burst of excitement because there wasn't any event going on. Instead I helped with the documentation and filing of responses/survey results to yesterday's seminar as well as attendance check-ins. It took me about two hours to finish all that and ever since I haven't had much to do.
I expected to be worked to death and so far I feel like I'm just hanging out in the office. There are occasional tasks but nothing major. I guess more will come eventually later on. I never thought I'd be impatient with getting more work! It's funny though that I should feel exhausted by the end of the day. Last night I went to sleep around 10. Me, going to bed at 10pm! Astounding, isn't it? I used to be such a night owl.
I think I would've enjoyed today even better had I not had GRE tomorrow. It's quite pointless, the whole thing. I don't even care to attend grad school. All this for the sake of having a good job... where GRE skills would not even be applicable.
So far I'm very content with how my work. It is way too early to tell whether this contentment will extend into the future, but for now I've decided to enjoy it. I'm relieved and glad; I haven't felt this in a long, long while.
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