Auto-pilot

Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly present in the moment. More than ever I feel myself drifting in and out in the middle of my daily routine. Executing mundane tasks on auto-pilot is nothing new, but these days the frequency of being on AP is increasing rapidly. This just shows that I still cannot fully embrace the fact that I'm in Korea.

So what do I do exactly while on AP, you might ask? I catch myself walking down the corridor at work, and think, "oh that's right. I'm at work." Another instance would be when I'm typing and eating. It's like my brain, or rather, my consciousness, is a flickering fluorescent light that needs to be replaced. I'm just being pushed by the current. I don't drive myself.

I don't think I'm unhappy. I have great co-workers, I enjoy what I do (little as they may be), and I can live without having to worry about money. I'm not sure what makes me feel this way. Is this the upper middle-class crisis?

If I have something to complain, it is that I don't exactly have anyone to whom I can confide things. I don't think anyone really understands me. I always have to filter and censor things in my head before I say them because I'm afraid that I might offend someone or say inappropriate things. I had never had to do this when I was in Canada. Take my co-workers, for example. I'm particularly close to one of them, mainly because she used to be the rookie in the team and she's a US citizen, but this doesn't mean I can talk to her freely and without affectation. She's my co-worker and there is a boundary to be respected.
Things are not exactly better with my aunts, cousins, and friends. With my aunts, I don't have to censor anything, but they come from a different generation and cultural upbringing. They do their best to understand me and listen to my bitching but their effort can only go so far. While I'm grateful that they try, I cannot say that it relieves me of stress and frustration.
In case of my friends -- well, they are Korean. They can't exactly understand what I'm so upset about. Every little thing that bugs me -from sexism to a blatant in-your-face attitude- it is just trivial to them.

This is why I let my consciousness drift out, I suppose. I don't want to be fully present here, in this country, where my mouth should be kept shut and my thoughts, filtered. Every word is a carefully constructed device of politics and diplomacy. I'm sick of it.