Homesick

I didin't know what was happening to me until this morning. I'm homesick.

Even though Seoul isn't as bad as I thought and my co-workers are great, they can't make up for the fact that I'm living in a city that I'm not fond of, and that my residence in Korea is a lingering proof that I failed to get into law school. It's not like I'm always wallowing around in self-pity/-hate; but I am ashamed. I wouldn't probably fare better in Vancouver. Probably just as depressed and bored. But I'd be there, at least. At my true home.
I think I'll feel better towards the end of the year when I'm fully used to living in Seoul once again, and learn to harbour my passion for law until I try again.

 Regardless. I miss Vancouver.

The weather in Seoul is beginning to resemble the Vancouverite fall, save the rain. So if you really think about it I'm living what most Vancouverites want; a cool autumn weather without rain. I'm lucky enough to live in a suburb so I can enjoy something that is vaguely reminiscent of crisp morning air. I doubt a person can afford such a luxury in the metropolitan Seoul. This city needs the world's biggest air conditioner. And a water purifier.
I miss the fall session in UBC where maple trees turn yellow, orange, and red, and I could wear my favourite red muffler and walk around like I'm a Parisienne. I miss even the rain -- the rain that I don't have to fear for acidity or other pollutants. I miss how I saw different kinds of faces every day, listened to people speaking in dozen different languages, carried on conversations that don't involve celebrities or horrible in-laws.

Yesterday when I was waiting for the bus home after work, I was again gripped by the urge to disappear. Not just running away, but ceasing to exist. This is not to say I want to kill myself. The truth is far from it. I just wish I could be invisible (albeit I am already to a certain degree), free from expectations and pressures. I guess that does constitute some form of running away. I had waited all my life to "grow up" but I don't think I ever did. I'm still me. The worst part of my life is that I can never run away from myself.

It's not fun to be this melodramatic. I don't enjoy it.