A feeling of inadequacy

My sanity is wearing thin. I hate being here. My life is purposeless.
I'm aching to learn. I miss the time when I learned new things every day. I'm living a life that is intellectually and culturally malnourished. My only joy right now is to consume.

I'm happy when I'm working. It gives me an illusion of purpose. But it's not really my purpose because I'm only serving that of others. I myself don't have a purpose. If I do have one it is to accumulate money so I can buy things that I probably don't need. I just think I need them. They make me happy for a short period of time. I get tired of things easily. All sensations are painfully ephemeral.

Would it make me happy if I just gave up, if I just watch the same TV shows as everybody else, deny myself all the food I like so I can wear Size 2 clothes, dye my hair, wear contact lenses, paint my face so it's so white white white and bright.

Does it matter to anyone that I once led a different life? I don't have anyone with whom I can have a meaningful conversation. Everything is pointless. It entertains me for a bit and they vanish.

Sometimes I can't believe that I'm fully here in this moment in this space. My mind wanders off for a moment, comes back to me, and then I realize, yes I am here. I occupy this space. I breathe. I am more or less alive.

I wish I could scream from the top of my lungs and just say that I forfeit.
I DON'T think it's going to get any better.
I just live on because I don't have a better alternative.



When a person plays a real-time strategy game that doesn't have any particular objective, she's bound to hit a plateau where everything becomes stable. She has enough money. Everything is going as it should. She can just leave it by itself and it's probably going to be ok. She'll have to jump in every now and then just to check but chances are no action on her part is necessary.

I'm not saying my life is perfect. It's far from it. But it's stagnant. Motionless. I feel myself rotting away.