Fear of Intimacy

Whenever I meet someone who takes interest in me the first thing that hits me is: "... WHY???" For all my life I've thought that only a freak of nature would find me desirable on both intellectual and physical levels. We are all in some way freaks so my hypothesis is not far from the truth, if I may argue so.

Every time I had a relationship I've always had the fear of intimacy. If you know me well you should know that if I don't like something I can't hide it. My face immediately reflects repulsion. Any kind of physical contact initiated by someone I abhor would be coldly rejected without a hint of civility. Even if I liked someone well enough, my boyfriends in the past for example, I found it hard to let a considerable degree of physical and emotional intimacy take place.
If I had to speculate why, I would think it is because I have a history of rejection. I haven't been outright rejected many times but I was able to detect signs and before I had to face explicit rejections I had spared myself such embarrassment. Hence I'm used to withdrawing myself before I get hurt and play it cool so that I can just forget about it.

This becomes a problem when I do need to admit my feelings because they are, for some ridiculous fortune, returned. The acknowledgment and reciprocity catch me off-guard because I'm more used to unrequited feelings. The possibility of having to risk my heart (as much as it sounds cheesy) for another human being makes me nervous. Perhaps it is because I don't think the person will like the real me. Or think that I won't like the real him. Whatever the reason, the prospect of having to open up to another person that is not my friend makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. As a defense mechanism I act hostile until the attention ceases.

This is probably the first instance ever that emotional and physical intimacies are progressing at an ideal time. The craziest thing is that it's physical intimacy that I love the most about this relationship. Women often judge men for focusing on carnal desires more than intangible, psychological rewards. I fear that I'm slowly turning into one of them. Nothing significant has happened yet, and being me, I think my readers can rest in the thought that I won't do anything too stupid.
This is also the first time that I realized that physical comfort in a relationship can equate to an emotional one. In my past relationships I had difficulty balancing erotic and platonic loves (though I have yet to be "in love"). In my case my boyfriends were more into the latter, leaving me secretly frustrated. (Not so subtle anymore, I guess.) It is all too bad that the stimulation of the mind alone cannot satisfy a human being; otherwise I would have been happier. Regardless now I am provided for in both ways.

It is a virtually indescribable feeling, really, to be in the arms of a person who truly cares for me. The physical gesture is only a medium in which emotions are expressed. Perhaps that is why I am not repelled by a high level of intimacy at a relatively early stage of my relationship. If I had thought that all this was only for something physical, I wouldn't have felt secure.

Life tends to royally screw me up when I feel happy enough. I'll see how much time I have until things turn bad, but I'll focus on enjoying myself while I can.