Re-evaluation

After last week's tragic realization/disillusionment, I assessed the situation again.

I'm still adamant on the fact that I'm not here to make friends. It's important to maintain amicable relationships with those I work with, but it's not essential to actually develop friendship. -- which is good because I've come to be comfortable with solitude. I would gladly accept invitations from others, but I am not desperate for companionship.

My dad, being the chauvinistic boss that he once was, had the courtesy to tell me that office ladies are a vicious sort. As much as I hate him for saying it, I can't help but admit that women (especially Asian women) strive to establish a stable hierarchy. Dad told me that if you put female candidates (for a secretarial job) in one room and leave them alone for ten minutes, they will figure out who's the oldest/youngest and act according to their place.

I have some experience in this rigid system and I learned it the hard way that the best way of self-preservation is to abide by this (perhaps ridiculous) hierarchy. My parents are always worried that I might act in a way that would isolate others. I'm always opinionated and headstrong when I'm with them, so it's understandable. What they don't realize is that I've changed. I'm no longer a loner that would rather die than to give up my principles. (And I should disclaim that those principles weren't always the right ones.) My family and friends perceive me as an elitist --probably because my parents are too-- and I admit that is who I've been. I fancied myself to be above certain things.

Since I've come to Korea -- nay, since I graduated, I decided that I'm only an instrument until I rise to a certain status. I am here to be used. And I'm fine with that.

I've always been careful with how I do things and what I say. I always say too much and regret it afterwards, so I've been paying extra attention to it. I don't think I've ever offended anyone since I got here.

The reason that my co-worker (the "nice one") told me about the others was that she had been hurt. She didn't have to tell me. I speculate that she wanted to show me that people weren't as nice as they seemed. She couldn't stand the fact that I thought well of them, because they were the same people who rejected her. After one and a half year she still didn't have someone she could confide in. I was that person. I was her ally, and she was afraid that I might turn against her.

I would have been her ally no matter what ... had she not told me.
Her plan just backfired.

I am still grateful that she was a good friend to me. But I will never be able to trust her as I did before.

She thought I was just a rookie that could be easily manipulated. She thought wrong.
I survived high school and a house full of teenagers. I exaggerate, but the amount of conspiracies and psychological warfare I had to endure was comparable to those in Versailles.

You picked the wrong person to mess with, lady.