The Confession of a Shoppaholic

It's been pretty much established that I am a shoppaholic. I shop mor often than I need to.

But these days I can't help but feel that shopping is one of the few things that make me happy, if not the only thing. This is different from when I shopped with my friends and shopping itself was something of a social activity. Back then I was just happy window-shopping; I didn't need to actually buy anything.

I don't like shopping in stores because I assume they don't have my size, and even if they do I'm a bit embarrassed asking them for it. I never felt this way when I shopped in Vancouver. No one made me feel insecure about my body this much. I'm not saying there's a bunch of people that make fun of my weight. Quite frankly I've seen a good number of heavy women since I got here. Still, there are more skinny people than fat ones. They may not be as tall as me or as well-endowed in the chest area as I am, but they're thin. In this society that's all that matters.
Back in Canada I never felt self-conscious about how I looked in the outfit I chose. My bottom line was to feel physically comfortable in my clothes. I didn't feel like anyone was telling me to lose weight. The only motivation I had for losing weight was to fit into my old clothes. That's still true even now.
I'm surrounded by ads for plastic surgeons, diet clinics, and other things you need to survive in this superficial country. Even Koreans themselves admit that the majority of the nation is all about looks.

And here I am, shopping and judging at the same time. Virtually endlessly. Can I really blame Koreans for their ways? I feel empty without looking into photos of clothes and shoes. Until my first paycheck as a paralegal arrives I'm more or less destitute. But I can't stop.

I remember how I felt when I stopped smoking for the first time. I hadn't even been smoking that much but when the withdrawal kicked in, I was nervous and twitchy.

Shopping doesn't have the same intensity but the symptoms are similar. I need to stare at those photos at least. Add something to my wishlist. I am irritated by the fact that the website doesn't update the catalogue as often as I would like. Every once in a while I need to buy them. Purchases can be made all so easily online. Too easily.

It saddens me that the only thing that gives me an ounce of joy is as trivial as shopping. My source of happiness is made of fabric, rubber, and metal.
I hope I can be busy as hell real soon. Too much free time makes me depressed.