The last bottle of citalopram is gone now. I haven't had it for a week. I'm regaining my short temper and this morning I was incredibly close to snapping at a couple of lawyers on my way to work.
Many are skeptical about the effectiveness of antidepressants. Sometimes I wonder if they work at all myself. All I know is it keeps me on the level when I need to be. I don't fling hurtful, callous remarks at people I love. I am calmer and more patient. The bottom line: antidepressants lessen the chance of my regretting my actions by eliminating the cause of such actions from the get-go.
I'm again in the self-hatred mode. I am disgusted every time I look in the mirror -- not because I don't conform to the stick-thin beauty standard of the Korean society, but because I have no self-discipline. I promised myself that I would work out at least three times a week starting this year but I failed to live up to my resolution. I haven't finished my book even now.
I've rarely kept promises that I made to myself, if not never. That's what disgusts me the most. But the difference between the past version of myself and me right now is that I don't wallow in this sentiment that long. I'm resolved to be more constructive, starting today.
Still.
I need my pills. This isn't something I can just will it away.
People mistake that clinical depression is just a flimsy excuse of the weak. And since there are so many people who confuse between just having a bad day and depression, this mistake is somewhat understandable. Even my aunt told me that I should try to overcome my bad mood without depending on medication. (She studied pharmacology.)
But really... who are they to say that what's good for me?
Suppose pills are just sugar pills and all these changes are but a product of placebo effect.
Is it SO bad that I feel much better because of these pills, that I don't hurt people that matter to me, that I don't do things that I would regret later?
Conclusion:
I need my fucking pills damn it.
